Look carefully and the sign is quite clear as to just what is prohibited. At least one person in this picture ignored some or all of this enjoinder.

See, when making bread, or indeed stroking a pumpkin, this is the preferred approach. But it’s no good for knotting moustaches. Now that is clear, it must be said how well Kirsty keeps Sean under control. Out of shot, her left foot is ensuring that his right is going nowhere. By such subtle tactics is the New Inn kept orderly. It can now be advised to all that Sean keeps his wallet in his left trouser pocket and, quite clearly, why.

The presentation was made at the foot of the stairs, and all other escape routes were blocked, to ensure maximum attention during the proceedings. In celebration of the fine qualities of this pub, two expert ale suppers were put to work in a challenge of consumption. This went on a while…

Finally, a breakthrough, as one of the competitors falls thorough the bar in true Del Boy style, conceding defeat.

Now the evening’s festivities can be resumed by all, as the hand-wringing and pointing contest gets under way.

Commentary continues during this episode, even while ears are being closely examined. Or looked right through

Genial Andrew Heyes presents the plague. Notice how he never lets go of his glass.

They say that a bad experience in a shoe shop, about twenty-seven years ago, is the reason for all this. But he will never speak about it, nor should we press him. Hey Andrew, tell us about that time….

Oh, sorry, no space to finish that one. So we’ll now leave it with Kirsty and Sean blowing kisses to the crowd.

The New Inn is, in effect, the only proper pub in Denholme. It sells lots of high quality real ale at sensible prices. It is warm, welcoming and comfortable. Even when the rain is horizontal outside.

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